Friday, January 3rd 3:45am
  My new journal is wanderlusty. I haven't written anything yet as of this entry, so keep your shirt on. I'm just letting you all know, by popular request. :D
Thank You,
The Management.

Post Script:
This shall be the terminal entry in this journal.
     Uh oh...
Friday, January 3rd 3:44am
mood: blank
I think I have an eating disorder, but not one of the common ones. I'm not afraid of getting fat, and people don't bug me about my eating or appearance or anything. I'm not afraid of getting fat simply because I know that I can keep myself from it. Actually... maybe deep down I am afraid of it. I can do whatever I want with food, but since I don't exercise, I feel like I'm only doing half of what I could, so there's always the possibility of getting fat. I generall avoid eating. Not obsessively, I just don't do it. I take really small portions when I do eat. The most I've eaten recently is 1.5 meals a day with a couple small snacky things in between. Going out to eat with people i just get something small or soup or a drink or don't eat much of what I ordered. Also I don't have a lot of money to spend on meals out, and I'm out a lot because I hate being home. I don't do any of the shopping, so I don't really like most of the food we have here. I hate eating at home. It's inconvenient and doesn't taste good and is gross. When I eat things that aren't good for me (candy, soda, junk food, fast food, etc.) I feel really gross later, and I'm actually liking them less and less. I did that the other day, and for the rest of the day I got nauseous if I even thought about food at all, especially specifically what I had eaten. It also makes me feel as though my body really needs something nutritious and healthy after that, but I can't give my body what it needs because the thought of food, even good food, makes me sick, and besides, the small amount that I already have eaten has either taken away the hunger or got me to the point where I think "I can't eat any more."
I don't eat according to hunger at all. Most of the time I am what would usually be considered quite hungry. However, since I'm used to eating so little, I can ignore it easily at first, and at its later and more intense stages, I simply hold it as an object of interest, simply another feeling. Yeah I probably use it to hurt myself, like people who cut do. Use physical pain to cope with emotional pain. It helps. Since I keep such a random schedule and I'm around different people all the time, I can easily skip meals without anyone noticing, and nobody ever questions me. If anyone *did* pressure me, I wouldn't care at all, since I can stand up for and take care of myself. Fuck you, I'm just not hungry.
It's more about control and strength than actual weight. I eat something every day. I get happy when I've eaten as little as possible. I check the scale once in a while. Yay if I'm closer to 125, boo if i'm closer to 130, but nothing that really gets me going. I'm pretty apathetic about this whole thing. It's just a power struggle. It's not even very hard. Food is for the weak :P besides, the thin body is a perk. Now if only I could get myself to work out. I bet it affects me and I either don't see how or I just attribute it to other things. I don't want to tell anyone in my family because they suck. My friends, despite what they think, wouldn't care much and couldn't do anything about it anyway. I would probably get attention for it, and that might be nice because I feel ignored a lot, and that bugs me, but whatever. It's not like I'm doing it for attention. Just the telling someone part. So they'd go "Oh you're just trying to get attention." so you see there's really no reason to tell anyone. The last two times I thought something was wrong with my mind, (depressed) I started seeing a psychologist. They mostly made me talk, and because I couldn't just sit there and start talking at them, they picked a topic, usually one that irritated me, and it was kindof uncomfortable because I didn't quite understand how the whole process was actually supposed to help me. And you know how I get when I don't understand something. So I probably didn't show them my depressed side, because I was embarrassed to, because what if I wasn't really depressed?? nobody else had told me i was, I just kinda self-diagnosed. They put me on pills, to 'help with therapy' and 'make me feel better in the meantime'. I hated them the first time, accepted them the second time. But both times I just stopped seeing the person, and it came to nothing. I think I thought my fear that I wasn't depressed in the first place had come true. I'm surprised I told my mom a second time that I wanted to see someone. It wasn't even as bad that time I don't think. I still don't get what fucking talk therapy or whatever is supposed to actually accomplish. it didn't do a thing for me, but then maybe there wasn't anythnig wrong in the first place? Of course there was. Is. But I'm not about to go back to those bullshit sessions now. Not now when I have all these fun problems fucking with my mind. It's making life a pretty (dark) kaleidescope of suicidal tendencies, self-hate, eating issues, and indeciveness. Sometimes I find it difficult to believe that I'm still alive, or that I actually have any friends at all. Other times I love myself and love life, but only for fleeting moments, and only for some self-serving purpose. I feel flawed, defective, something is wrong with me and everyone is too polite to point it out. I SEE MYSELF saying these things. I feel that self-diagnosis is seen as wrong. If I know what's so wrong with me, why don't I fix it?! Well gee, ya got me there. So if I'm sane enough to match up symptoms with a problem, I must not have that big of a problem in the first place. You only really have a problem if you're not smart enough to hide it well enough so that people don't notice? Is that it? I have no idea how to post this entry. If it's private, then it feels good, but rather useless, to have gotten it out, but then nobody will bug me. If it's public, either A) nobody will read it, B) they won't believe me or something, or C) make a big-ass deal out of it and try to DO something. That might be interesting. I'm kinda busy these days though... I don't know if I'll have time to deal with you all. Plus I'm avoiding my mom, and she'd probably end up being involved. But what the hell. Might keep things lively. Keeping Deep Dark Secrets does not a scandalous life make. It's not weak. I'm not weak. I can do any fucking thing I want. I laugh in the face of weak little hunger pangs. HAHAHA. I shouldn't be left alone late at night. I'm not going to go back and edit this at all, so I apologize if it was somewhat incoherent, or if I didn't address something I said I'd talk about. It's all tucked away in my brain.. somewhere. I'm not going to post it public yet because despite my most vehement claims that I'm strong as oak, it's scary to tell people your weaknesses. And all this post is is a big string of weaknesses. People would view me differently and try to get me some help. Bah. There's not any help for me. I need "help"(aka 'counseling') like a hole in the head. I need to do something differently. I'm doing everything wrong, failing. Going to fail life, I'm tellin ya. So, since I've said all sorts of things anyway I'm going to go against what I said a paragraph ago and post it publicly. BECAUSE I CAN. MY JOURNAL. ::owns::
     Uh oh...9 drops of blood
Sunday, December 15th 9:21pm
  This journal sucks so i'm making a new one. Bye.  
     Uh oh...8 drops of blood
Sunday, December 15th 1:49pm
mood: okay
Eating cookie dough makes just about everything better.
     Uh oh...2 drops of blood
Friday, December 13th 12:46am
mood: accomplished
I simultaneously feel like I could just go to bed and sleep forever and be perfectly content, and EXTREMELY ANXIOUS for tomorrow to get here so that I can do the things I have to do. Plus my whole body hurts.
I want to rip out my brain and replace it with a cauliflower or something... that would be cute... ^_^

this <3 looks like an ice cream cone to me instead of a heart, so it always amuses me to use it

I seriously think my cat will start fucking stuff up JUST to get my attention. He's a psychotic freak, but he's the cutest thing ever.

syukton took that :D
     Uh oh...3 drops of blood
Thursday, December 12th 11:25pm
mood: empty
I want a nose piercing. Left side. Shiny and small. I smell an 18th birthday present to myself. LOL Smell... hahah...
::is a dork::
I don't want to get no fucking job. If I try to get a job, will somebody please remind me that I don't want one?
Oooh I hate it when I have a million little things to do that pile up and I don't do them and I forget...
New feelings of mine, good or bad, are always followed by intense feelings of happiness. That's when I know I've done something right.
     Uh oh...
Wednesday, December 11th 1:53pm
mood: bored
I didn't make the play, and I don't care... :D
I only got 3.3 on my last philosophy exam, and once again, I don't care.
(I think I did better on the one I took this morning)
Ugh I feel like I'm wasting my days... probably because I *am* wasting my days.
It's retarded being 17 because when I get restless I don't have anything to do about it. ::sigh::
And i get restless a lot...
I'm lonely. :'-( I only care a *little* bit about that. hehe...
     Uh oh...2 drops of blood
Tuesday, December 10th 9:38am
mood: sick
unnnhh... so ill...
     Uh oh...
Monday, December 9th 1:59pm

Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz

     Uh oh...2 drops of blood
Saturday, December 7th 4:55pm
mood: indifferent
It's going to be another one of those nights.
     Uh oh...
Strangely enough...   
Thursday, December 5th 11:16pm
mood: hopeful
Delayed gratification is seriously one of my favorite things ever. I can't get enough of it. I would be thoroughly miserable in a world where I got everything I want right when I wanted it. I adore waiting for things and don't mind at all... (as long as I get it eventually). I often think I haven't waited long enough, and that I don't deserve to have it yet. A perpetual test of my will. How blissful :-D
     Uh oh...4 drops of blood
ooh. watch me copy.   
Thursday, December 5th 4:07pm
mood: going to go get macaroni and cheese
Your Existing Situation
Needs warm companionship, but is intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to her. If this is not forthcoming, is liable to shut herself away from them.
Your Stress Sources
Is responsive to outside stimuli and wants to experience everything intensely, but is finding the existing situation extremely frustrating. Needs sympathetic understanding and a sense of security. Distressed by her apparently powerlessness to achieve her goals.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Insists that her goals are realistic and sticks obstinately to them, even though circumstances are forcing her to compromise. Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner.
Your Desired Objective
Feels exhausted by conflict and quarreling and desires protection from them. Needs peaceful conditions and a tranquil environment in which to relax and recover.
Your Actual Problem
Needs to protect herself against her tendency to be too trusting, as she finds it is liable to be misunderstood or exploited by others. As a result, she adopts a critical and stand-offish attitude, being willing to participate only where she can be assured of sincerity and trustworthiness.
Your Actual Problem #2
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. A feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation, irritation, and acute distress from which she tries to escape by refusing further direct participation. She confines herself to a cautious approach and a concealed determination to get her own way in the end.

yeah, that was
heh. I refuse to comment on the accuracy of my results.
     Uh oh...
Wednesday, December 4th 10:39pm
mood: gotta go to bed...
Staying up... I don't know why I stay up so late. I'm not actually doing anything. I'm not even talking to anybody. I feel like I'm waiting for something, but I know nothing is going to happen... so what the hell am i doing?!

I love Pink Floyd so much... it's orgasmically wonderful....
     Uh oh...
Tuesday, December 3rd 5:48pm
mood: bored
It's peanut butter jelly quiz time!Collapse )
     Uh oh...
Sunday, December 1st 11:59am
  Haahaha... this is the 60th time I've listened to this song (I Will Buy You A New Life) in the last week. It's closing in on Warning's 64 plays so far... I'm addicted to these songs. Could this be how I get tired of things so quickly?
Mom got Cable this morning! So she's doing that... she's changing the channels and telling me how fun it is.. uhm ok..
I should really be working on Economics hw for the presentation I have to do on Tuesday, but I'm not concerned at all... I'm basically ignoring the problem, hoping it will go away... I'm stalling, but I'll do it eventually. Group projects can just get raped and die, that would make me happy. I hate them so much. |------------------------------------------------------------------| *that* much.
Just in case anyone is wondering, (since, ya know, I never ever update. ever) if you want to know how my life is going, just go watch those soap operas that are on network TV at like 2 in the afternoon and it's pretty much like that, except I'm poorer and I don't know quite that many people. And more boring. But other than that, my life still has and probably always will have a ridiculous amount of drama in it, through no fault of my own. I swear.
I cannot fucking believe that it's December already... I forget what November was like... :-\ and October. It's kinda been a blur, and I HATE it when that happens. But my whole life is a blur. So whatever. arrrr...
I'm confused today, if you can't tell. Maybe you can't.
I'm still convinced I'm going to fail life.
oooohhh here, go here, you WILL think that this is funny, so go here, listen, watch, laugh.... DO IT. DON'T SKIP THIS LINK. FUCKING CLICK IT. OK. I DARE YOU.
C'est tout.
     Uh oh...3 drops of blood
Saturday, November 16th 4:31pm
  I wonder if I'll have anything to cry about when I graduate from high school this spring. I can't decide whether that would be a good thing or not.  
     Uh oh...
Saturday, November 16th 4:00pm
mood: busy
The beets I'm eating smell EXACTLY like pot.
     Uh oh...1 drop of blood
Wednesday, November 13th 10:24pm
mood: uncomfortable
I have felt so busy lately... I admit, LJ sometimes eats up inordinate amounts of my time!
But I've been busy with college stuff too...
Nothing worth mentioning, I'll forget it all whether I write it down or not.
I made this a paid account tonight, and I'm proud of the fact that I actually *paid* the five dollars instead of letting Robert have his fun and trick LJ into thinking it's a paid account by doing things I don't understand.
Tomorrow I will have had this journal for a year. I can't tell whether that feels appropriate or not. At least I know I'm a year older.
I'm staying at Edmonds for classes next quarter after all, except for Health.. blah that's incredibly uninteresting.
I'm sorry! I have no news, nothing anyone would be interested in!

This morning in Philosophy of Religion I decided I'm either an Indifferent or Unfriendly Atheist. I can't pick one...... anyone actually know what I'm talking about?
This is all so bad. All words are are lies anyway, none of this is what I'm actually thinking. My life is a big accumulation of apprehensiveness to speak... oh that's one more thing I can't explain, why open my mouth at all when I can just be silent and bury my head???
People won't miss it/me. You can't miss something you've never known.... er.. i think.
I decided that my memory is so faulty/selective for a reason, but that was on the bus home today, and I don't remember what the reason was.
     Uh oh...6 drops of blood
Sunday, November 3rd 11:47pm
mood: I'm giving up already
I get the impression that I'm not good enough because I can't take random words and phrases and put them together in a way that's *just* incoherent and sly enough for people to think "Aha! that's brilliantly artistic and that person is a good writer!"
My brain won't do it, and although I'm almost jealous of it, any time I read it I am appalled and think how goddamn contrived it sounds. I want to tell those people to get over themselves. Re-enter the world plz.
So I want it. But then I don't. Wow, I haven't written such a self-contradictory post in a while, that's great.
I haven't written anything in a while actually. Except for the post before this one.
Mmm. yeah this post is pointless, sorry if you read it. If you didn't, well...
     Uh oh...2 drops of blood
Sunday, November 3rd 10:58pm
mood: morose
I went to the Jason Webley Day of the Dead concert last night with Robert and Clayton (my 22 year old brother).
Actually, we waited in line but they sold out before we got in, so we just went and stuffed ourselves with Indian food for two hours while we waited for ten o clock. Then we went back into the theater (the Paradox) and they let us in for what ended up being like the last hour of the concert. Then Jason had himself stripped, tied up, dangled, and tied to what was essentially a two by four. He was carried out on the shoulders of audience members and his white-wearing attendants. All hundreds of us went on a crazy trek through Ravenna Park in the middle of the night, following the lights (candles in paper bags). I was near Jason most of the time, because Clayton helped carry him basically the whole way. He was almost completely naked, except for a bit of strategically placed cloth ;-).... but that meant he was unmoving and naked, tied to a stick, being carried through 30-degree air... We put a blanket on him toward the end...
Anyway so we got to this little clearing place, and there was a tree, and you could see the end of a street through the bushes and trees. It must have been around 11:30 or so by then. There were still (i think) hundreds of people, and everyone was really quiet... basically the only noise anyone made for like an hour was "SSHHHHHH" to the people who would show up and say something or make a noise. We all figured something was going to happen. The people in white were doing a lot of things with ropes, and basically wrapped Jason in sheets and blankets and things and tied him to the tree, so only his face was showing... and they put a white hat on his head... This was all over the course of like an hour.
Also one of his girls climbed up into the tree with the help of this rope harness thing and spent the whole time flinging white chicken feathers at everyone in slow motion... it looked like she was making love to the feather bag... >.< bad theatrics.
Yeah so then he was tied to the tree and people were slowly leaving. After a bit, he began to cough up blood onto the pillow that was below his feet...a fair amount of it... That freaked me out way more than I expected. Still, nobody was talking much. The audience (what was left of it) was murmuring and stuff. We didn't know what to expect, and I think most of us didn't know what exactly we were waiting for.
I spent the whole time after the blood incident in shock, because I couldn't help thinking about the possibility of him actually dying, and what that would be like. I've never been close to anyone who's died before, I've never been to a funeral or seen a dead person. I could only think of the chaos that it would throw my mind into. I'm not the type to sit around imagining the future, or things that don't exist, but I was so close to it that it really scared me. I felt like I had left reality and that the fact that there were other people there didn't assuage my fears the way I hoped it would. I wanted some adult to show up and demand that he be untied, and make it all stop. I hate witnessing other people suffer... I remember that when I was like 11, I couldn't watch the end of Braveheart where they were torturing him... I got really upset (my whole family was there, we were at home) and I just yelled "why can't they just kill him already" or something and going up to my room and crying... I still don't know how it ends :-P
I wanted to get up and ask Jason to please not do anything to really hurt himself... partly for him, partly for his followers and the legacy of his music, and partly so that I didn't have to be fucked up in the head the next day/long period of time. I was too confused to do anything though so we waited.
We waited there until like 1:30 when we decided there was nothing left to wait for. We didn't really know where we were, so we had to wander around in the GODDAMN FREEZING COLD NIGHT AIR trying to find the car... not exactly soothing. But we found it and I got home around 3 am, which is super-late for me...
Death really scares me now.
I had fun until the tree part.
Oh, I spent yesterday afternoon before the concert getting *so high* with Shanti, David, and Robert... we wandered around St. Ed's, and it was beautiful, with the sun shining through the leaves... a very pleasant afternoon.
Today wasn't too special.
I'm going to transfer to Shoreline CC for Winter Quarter, and I spent this morning getting my schedule worked out. Whee.
A car would be nice for that. As opposed to my obscenely LONG-ASS bus commute.
Speaking of which, it's late and I'm tired. Not going to bed yet, but I don't have anything else to say here.
Good night.
     Uh oh...1 drop of blood
Friday, October 25th 10:56pm
mood: depressed
I had a manicure today, and now I think my nails look like shoes...

Every day I get more mood swingy and anti-social.
Don't know what's up with that.

When I'm feeling upset, and there are people who are the objects of my upsetness, I automatically envision being very violent to them, sometimes to the point where it disturbs me.
     Uh oh...
Don't read this! It's boring and pointless!   
Wednesday, October 23rd 11:45am
  Hi, I'm at school, yeah...
going to my dad's this afternoon, I'll probably be gone all afternoon.
oh my god i'm so tired today and i don't know why. Rob and i almost got to boxing last night, but I really didn't feel like going, so we went to Seattle and wandered around instead. I had good Indian food... I was really tired last night, and i'm more tired today. I guess because I go to bed pretty late. Oops :-P

i am hungry,
school is fun when it isn't boring,
i'm going to class now.
     Uh oh...
Monday, October 21st 11:29pm
mood: tAiL eNvY!!!
Wouldn't it be cool to have a tail?
I wish I had a tail.
     Uh oh...2 drops of blood
Saturday, October 19th 1:52am
mood: placated
The more I understand other points of view when I don't hold them, the less meaning time has.

hee, I wrote this poem the other morning. It would just sit and rot in my notebook, so I thought I'd let it rot here instead. I even tried to revise it once, but pththhhbbb... i gave up. Careful.

Starkly painted,
toes pointed
toward the expanse of pavement.
They get no notice
from the people who give the attention-starved onramp
exactly what it needs.
No sideways glances at [... i erased this part]
One , same , three
six seconds of road
two seconds apart even.
To make it fair, or balanced.
Any handout would do, any at all.
Come on.
Maybe it's not the best place...
One lifts his head,
and pulls himself up
on ink-black wings
into the morning sun.
     Uh oh...1 drop of blood
Saturday, October 19th 12:56am
mood: listless
this is the time in this journal where i learn not to post shitty irrelevant things that I won't remember or like tomorrow. When I feel like hell, it usually isn't worth posting about.

See? I have nothing constructive to say. I don't even want to say it.
Hm happy things...
AC! VB! yeahhh...
oh and BC, that's good too.

Nighttime fucking sucks.
     Uh oh...
Monday, October 14th 10:01pm
mood: contemplative
If one has a mental abnormality of some kind, should they be able to diagnose it?
If someone says they have something, shouldn't they just be written off as making it up? Wouldn't a person with a real problem not be in a state to self-diagnose?
So if you can look at yourself and say "hm i feel like i have such and such a problem" what's going on in your head? If the problem you think you have is NOT the problem, then what is causing you to think that it is?
But then, who but a select few is well-trained enough to analyze a person correctly and know what their problem is, other than one's self?
     Uh oh...
Sunday, October 13th 11:05pm
mood: restless
I keep seeing the same ideas all over the place!
I study economics and I'll read about something, and think "Hm that's an awful lot exactly like (insert idea here)." But it's explained in a confusing way, in different terms, with no reference made to the way I understand it.
This has also recently happened with philosophy and programming and probably a great litany of other things that i'm forgetting.
Know what I'm talking about? I guess it's hard to explain.. my mom sure didn't understand when I tried to explain it to her. It's as though somebody is just inventing various subjects to be studied by tricking out the same concepts in different garb and hoping nobody notices.
It confuses and irritates me, first of all. Why can't they just connect them all? wouldn't that make things a lot less confusing?
The schools have a particular line of bullshit along the lines of "We're gonna try to make you make connections between different subjects." But of course this never actually happens, they just say it. Even if they try, it's blatantly obvious, annoying, and completely futile. Retards.
Anyway, my point is that they could do it easily, if only they made the *RIGHT* connections, and focused on more universal concepts. A few more years at college and I could probably take a stab at it.
I wish I could give an example but it's late and I can't think of one and it probably wouldn't help.

Psssh... the high school has tomorrow off and I don't. Rawr, I want to sleep in! Instead I'm up doing this. sheesh..

I hate it when people get mad at you just because you refuse to take shit from them. If you're gonna bullshit people, don't get your panties in a wad just cause they know what's going on. And grow up.

This year is going way way way too fast.
     Uh oh...1 drop of blood
Wednesday, October 9th 11:21pm
mood: uncomfortable
I gotta make this thing a paid account. Gotta remember to do that...
Arg, I didn't leave the house all day today. Boring boring.. maybe I need more friends? Pssh i guess i didn't try very hard, or call anyone but Rob, who is sick.
Yesterday was cool though, I went to my dad's house to hang out after school, and helped them work on stuff. Then we headed off to the *professional digital photography studio* that Clayton's company owns, and did a photo shoot that ended up going from about 7:30 to 12:00. My sweet little self is going to be in brochures in REIs everywhere pretty soon... It was fun, until I got really really bored and tired. Oh well. Still a neat experience. This is the product my dad is developing, for those who care :) >>>

Things in my life seem to be going ok... nothing particularly shitty or traumatic is happening to me; but I still feel really crappy and/or depressed on a pretty much regular basis. emotionally chaotic. I can't seem to get rid of feelings that I don't want, which makes me feel even worse.
I wish I could be more open/honest with people, but I often get the feeling that they're not interested in hearing it, so why bother? It'd probably just make me feel more fake in the end, and that's what I don't want.

I'm having some pretty big issues, and I wish I knew how to deal with them. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel extremely alone. I don't know what to say so that I'll understand this later when I come back and read it. It's such a terrible feeling that it's hard to imagine when I'm not feeling quite so mired.
Staying up late, and reading too much LJ, and probably the combination of the two, seems to mess me up a bit... maybe I should change my habits to something less self-destructive.

I know... It's ok, i can't stand writing this as much as you probably did not enjoy reading it. Sorry. Don't know why i still write, but there's something in it -- it doesn't necessarily make me feel *better*, but it just seems helpful for some reason. I feel shittier than when I started.
     Uh oh...2 drops of blood
Monday, October 7th 11:21pm
mood: amused
I couldn't stop laughing tonight during President Bush's address every time he said "nukyular" instead of nuclear... and my mom kept shooting me dirty looks, but I just couldn't help it! Wonder why they didn't fix that little problem *before* he addressed the nation/world for like 30 minutes...
     Uh oh...
Monday, October 7th 12:16am
mood: depressed and not admitting it
It creeps me out and annoys me when I go back and read entries in my OWN JOURNAL and I realize that I have no idea what I'm talking about. Or that I recorded a feeling that I thought was real enough, but looking back i realize that it was so fleeting that I don't even remember feeling it. Makes me doubt everything I think. Will I think this is a bunch of tripe in a couple of days? Probably.

Anyone else have that particular plague set upon their existence?
     Uh oh...4 drops of blood